There are many things I don't do well, and one
of them is pulling wheelies. I could never see any real purpose in it, except
if I'm riding off-road when it's true that they can make the difference
between aviating a log-strewn trail at a critical moment, or executing a
spectacular endo and possibly a trip to A & E. But on a trail bike with
its big knobbly tyres and light front end, pawing the air is a relatively
easy exercise, even for me.However, pointless though it may be on the tarmac, I was surprised to see that MotorCycle News recently pointed out that I wasn't a Real Man unless I could pull such stunts and, thank gawd, offered to come to my aid with an article seductively flagged on its cover as 'Master Wheelies by the Weekend'. So how could I resist handing over my £1.60 ? What this cheap tutelage in showing-off turned out to be was a remarkably comprehensive, step-by-step guide including throttle practice (i.e. revving the bollocks off your engine in neutral) and clutch technique (i.e, brutally dumping the clutch).., "a hundred times if necessary". Well that should keep a few service departments happy, anyway.
The piece, by road test editor Keith Farr, claimed that by following his Five Step Plan, you'd be pulling your first wheelie within ten minutes -if you hadn't fried your clutch first, I was also slightly gob smacked to learn that there are now several schools actually offering one-day course in wheelie pulling, some using their own bikes (so you don't trash yours) fitted with electronic devices that cut off the power if you're in danger of flipping. Two hundred quid to learn to act like a prat seemed a bit much to me, but never let it be said that the motorbicycle trade isn't without its creative entrepreneurs.
Later on in the piece Farr went on to extol the virtues of this black art inasmuch as "Motorcycling is about fun, and fun comes in abundance on one wheel." So buy a bloody unicyle then, Keith. But in the meantime I wonder whether he's thought through the possible consequences of his feature: probably not, as he does, after all, work for MCN.
(There is a broader issue here: I've never quite understood the masochistic fascination we motorbikers are supposed to have for our brethren who buy it bigtime and end up in a heap of broken bones and blood on the tarmac, but MCN seems to lead the field in promoting it, Are we supposed to be thrilled by these senseless displays of carnage, moved to emulate them or, rather more likely I'd have thought, take up darts instead?).
His further justification for this mechanically debilitating, potentially bloody carnage is that "the only people who don't like wheelies are... car drivers and riders who wish they could". Well actually that's bollocks, or at least a very incomplete list. Most car drivers, for example, when confronted by some chump on a 'Blade flying along on one wheel think "idiot", rather than "My, what a smart, sophisticated hunk of a guy." And any pedestrians who happen to be in the vicinity of screaming revs and a wheelie-ing idiot are moderately if not very scared that they're going to get hit by him... or possibly have to waste precious shopping-time calling an ambulance.
No matter that if the rozzers catch you riding around on one wheel it'll be a dangerous or reckless driving charge and probably bye-bye licence for a while, and whilst a rag like Fast Bikes or Performance Bikes might actively support Farr's contention that such illegal antics (and their painful or licence shredding consequences) equate with "fun", MCN is supposed to reflect the interests of mainstream bikery, Or at least it chooses to go all po-faced and self-righteous when it suits it.
Indeed in the very same issue Kevin Ash, whose writings I generally commend, cogently argues that even in the face of imminent congestion charging, media distortion and statistical flummery over motorcycle accident statistics are likely to deter London motorists from abandoning four wheels for two. And then seven pages later Kevin Farr encourages his readers to act like hooligans and bugger the consequences. Barmy.
Ah, but what is this? Yes, it's my latest extremely personal assistant, Sophie Ellis-Backdoor rushing in to apply a cold compress to my inflamed brow and quell my apoplexy with industrial strength alcohol.
"Now, now Markus," she coos, "stop fretting, No-one takes any notice of your raging anyway, and everything will be alright soon, Just look at this..."
And with that she proffers another cutting from Britain's premier motorcycling organ which announces that both Suzuki and Honda are launching ultra-basic little scoots, the Choi Nori and the Solo, priced well below £500 by virtue of their complete lack of rear suspension (and provision of heavily padded seats).
Unmollified by this promise of a golden future for entry level motorbiking, I point out that I had just such a machine 35 years ago. It was called a BSA Bantam and I couldn't pull wheelies on that, either.